"Oh my God!" exclaimed my friend, "You're actually speechless. I've never, ever known you to be lost for words before."
It's true, I was lost for words, speechless, dumbstruck. Processing what had just been shared had quite literally taken my breath away. I was finding it so hard to comprehend. To understand and rationalise, What! How! Why???? this was butting up against all the rules in head. And, boy, was I having an emotional response to this too? Oh yes.
So what had been shared...
My friend had had lunch with her friend, who had her relation staying for a while. They were having counselling whilst visiting. (With me so far?) "the counsellor said there is just one word to describe your relation, vile."
One word. Confidentiality
It's worth repeating, CONFIDENTIALITY. Confidentiality is a key component of the trust. Confidentiality is essential in the relationship between the client and the therapist. This is broken only in exceptional circumstances (fraud, terrorism and safeguarding) to the appropriate authorities.
I have a code of ethics that has strict guidelines about confidentiality for current and past clients (living or dead) and also for potential clients. There is no way that I will tell you how 'they' are doing...even if you're paying, my contract is with the person/people in the room at that time. That is between me and the client. SIMPLES!
The cases I take to supervision, the client's identity remains confidential. Still SIMPLES, it's that easy!
You took me by surprise
I didn't see you coming
You took my breath away
I didn't know what was happening
My head went into a spin
My palm's feeling tingly and sweaty
My chest just can't keep up
My heart started beating faster and faster
You hung around, you stayed too long
Lurking in the shadows, getting in my face
You hung around, you took over my life
Invading all my thoughts, stamping on my pace
My eyes saw your danger
My ears heard bad things too
My throat closed up tight
My legs waited for your call
You thought you should be my only friend
Letting no others in
You camped out in my stomach
And partied in my head
I want more now
I'm opening up my door
I'm ready, slowly
I'm seeing that there's more
Peace and calm are waiting now
Challenge can come with ease
Comfort can be found in other places
Hanging out with me
What do you picture when you think of Power? Is it strong? Is it control? Is it forceful?
What do you envisage when you think of Empower? Is it strong? Is it control? Is it forceful?
If you think that someone has Power over you, this is rarely a good thing. It feels controlling. The urge to fight back, to regain power and put them in their 'rightful' is strong. Or it can be too much, kicking back isn't worth it, no energy, our spirit dampened. But we lie in wait...waiting for them to wain...waiting for the chink in their armour. When we see it...we pounce. Giving them a taste of their own medicine. We seek revenge.
In this fight over power, there is none! Both parties are losing their self-esteem. Not to mention what's happening to the relationship.
Power in relationships is damaging. Whether this is with your partner, your child, your family, your colleagues it's damaging. Stephen Covey talks about the emotional bank account (7 habits of highly effective people), a metaphor for the amount of trust in the relationship. And trust, or the lack of it, tells you so much. Check out respect as well, as a gauge.
If you're spending time proving that you're right/they're wrong; you're in a power struggle. It's your ego that's fighting!
Stop! Step back! Ask yourself what is it that you need. Not that you're right / they're wrong...no.
What is it that you really need, that would fulfill you. Listen carefully. This is a quiet voice. It doesn't shout like the ego. It whispers. It empowers you.
Speak freely my friend speak freely
Release the clench
And let it go
Open your heart
It is time for your energy to flow
Speak softly my sweet speak softly
Relax the fear
It has no hold
Open your mouth
It is time that your story was told
Speak freely my friend speak freely
Review the past
And let it rest
Open your mind
It is time to be your best
Speak softly my sweet speak softly
See your soul
And breathe deep
Open your ears
It is time to wake from your sleep
Speak loudly my love speak loudly
The higher the expectation, the higher the hurdles and obstacles are that stand in our way. Lowering expectations, the shoulds and should nots, increases the possibilities to reach further than we expected or perceived that we could. Sometimes we think that our expectations are important goals that must be attained. Whereas they act as shackles that tie us into our current subjective experience. Let them go and open up...
Manage your state, don't get into a state! State management - lesson 3 in NLP! But what does this have to do with resilience and empowerment?
"No-one can make you feel inferior without your consent." Eleanor Roosevelt
There is a difference between being at 'Cause' and 'Effect'. When we are at effect the control of our thoughts, feelings and behaviours have been given to someone or something else. How we are feeling is at the mercy of something else, something outside of ourselves. 'It' has power about our emotions and responses. We are powerless...'they' made me feel this way! 'It's not my fault I'm feeling like this, it's yours! it's theirs! it's the weather! the traffic! You get the picture ownership is denied, projected onto others, responsible diminished or vanished.
At Cause, not only do we take control and become empowered we also accept and regulate our thoughts, feelings and behaviours. The ownership of these stays within us. How we respond is acknowledged as our choice, we are choosing to think, feel and act like this in this moment. This doesn't mean being cold-hearted, a computer (super-reasonable) or emotionless. It means that we can manage our state without becoming stuck in it. We can fully feel all our feelings, the whole spectrum. We don't need to shy away the strength of our emotion, or pretend it's not there. We can embrace and honour its depth and range. Aware of the impact, the consequences, the ecology on myself and others, in the here and now, and out in the there and then.
And we can remain, or regain, resourcefulness.
For me, training NLP with lots of heart is key, would you like to know the dates of my next training?
But for now, I have managed my state and go and do the school run...
Understanding who we are is a process. Who we are is transient, developmental and sometimes circumstantial. We each have many faces; our public selves, our private selves, our vulnerable selves, our invincible selves. Some we use to hide behind, some we use more than others. If it is a role, or part that we dislike it can be denied and shunted into our shadow. This can lead us to become separated from parts of ourselves. It can also lead to those parts becoming dissociated from the control centre; responsible for learning, development and growing. The part gets fragmented and in that process is becomes frozen, it stays at the age and stage when the links were severed.
Identifying the parts or elements of ourselves that we've been less receptive or accepting of is one of the first steps. Recognising the resource within the part is next empowering step.
Integrating all that we are is a journey.
Who defines us?
Are we defined by others or by ourselves or both; by our roles and responsibilities; by our actions and reactions; by our feelings and emotions; by our hopes and fears; by society and culture; by our age?
The most powerful hypnotic suggestion in the world consists of three words. It is not just hypnotherapists that use this suggestion. They are often called upon to provide the antidote, after the suggestion has been accepted and has spread throughout the clients psyche and world. Three little words that are often delivered without a lot of thought...a throw away comment...an exasperated, tired or cross response. Its lands...it settles...it grows...it spreads...entering into our belief system...creating a belief system...it becomes part of us...we become it...then it becomes our reality...it takes over our map...and projects onto our territory.
First we hear it from others, then we own it, then it owns us.
Those words...You are _________ (fill in the gap).
In a study it was discovered that a child's mind closed for learning after hearing "you're so clever", because for them then the loop was closed, the target reached.
As we accept them, integrate the labels, they can either free us or chain us.
As we wonder about who we think we are, we can ask ourselves if that still fits.
Originally Published by UKCP: 02/04/2015
UKCP successfully lobby NICE to change policy on depression guideline development group
As a result of lobbying by UKCP and other professional bodies, counsellors and psychotherapists are now recognised as eligible to apply to join the NICE guideline development group.
Work by UKCP, the British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy, the British Psychoanalytic Council and the Tavistock Centre for Couple Relationships has led to NICE changing its original decision to exclude counsellors and psychotherapists from the list of professions encouraged to join the guideline development group charged with revising the 2009 Depression in Adults guideline.
In our letter to NICE, we highlighted that the proposed list of professionals for the development of the guidelines didn’t include either a psychotherapist or a counsellor despite both professions being more involved in the treatment of depression than any other professional grouping.
The letter also highlighted NICE’s responsibility to ensure its guideline development groups reflect, as far as is practically possible, the views and experiences of the range of stakeholders and groups whose activities, services or care will be covered by the guideline.
NICE’s amendment to the fifth item on the list now means that professionals who are counsellors or psychotherapists will be able to apply to join the guideline development group without, as NICE had originally stated, having to be either a clinical psychologist or psychiatrist as well.
The professions of ‘counsellor’ and ‘psychotherapist’ should never have been omitted in the first place, and this oversight is one we took to NICE in the strongest possible terms.
We would encourage members with an expertise in working with depression to consider applying to join the group. If you would like any advice or support in doing so please contact firstname.lastname@example.org